Nine Lives and Daydreams!

I am a sucker for Rom-Com's and I just finished watching one that takes place around Christmastime. Christmas time is especially filled with romantic, tear jerker movies.  It had all the cli-che' romantic moments in it that make my heart dream of finding that love one day. You know, the  serendipity kind of meeting where fate seemingly brings you together in some random way, when you are least expecting it. You both feel this magical connection and you can't stop thinking about each other.  Then there are all the romantic gestures, like knocks on your window at midnight on the exact date you first met, with a ring and a proposal. All the wedding planning and dreaming of your happily ever after, which will be filled with romantic moments the rest of your life. Right?

He will always look adoringly into your eyes and tell you how lucky he is to have found you on that fateful day, as he hands you over a steaming mug of coffee each morning to gently wake you up for work.... WAIT  NO! This is MY dream! I don't have to work  because  he supports my dreams of becoming a published author. He surprises me weekly with making me dinner and supports my love for animals and spoils my fur babies as much as I do. We go on spontaneous vacations to romantic places and yes, he even buys me jewelry with our initials or the coordinates of the exact place we met. 

But then the movie ends and I come back to reality and  remember how these daydreams caused me to be the perfect victim for the not one but two toxic men I was married to in my past. It now feels like another lifetime ago. As if now I am living my fourth lifetime. 

First there was my childhood.

Second life:  While I was still a child at age 18,  I married my first husband. He was the romantic one that easily impressed me with having his own apartment, car and full time job. He actually did show up at my window at midnight on the sixth month anniversary of when we met and give me a ring with six tiny hearts. He proposed to me on the beach on Valentines day. I thought he was so romantic. But he was also very jealous, controlling, verbally and emotionally abusive. Nine years and three kids later I got up the courage to leave and get a divorce. Dreams of living on my own in a home where I was free from walking on eggshells and could feel a sense of peace. 

Third life :  I let fear of being on my own as a single mother of three young kids chase me into the arms of husband number two. He seemed like my knight in shining armor riding in on a white horse to my rescue. He supported my dream of being a stay at home mom. Working with him in his business as a way to earn my keep and be worthy of his support was the price I paid to be home with my kids. I had two more kids with my second husband and found myself in yet another emotional and verbally abusive relationship that I was now too ashamed to escape because I saw myself as a failure in choosing this man. Twice I married wrong! I didn't want my friends and family to know I was in yet another seriously toxic situation. They had already emotionally supported me through a divorce. I worked hard at trying to fix my relationship and make it work. I buried my head in the sand, metaphorically,  and pretended all was fine. In reality I was betraying myself and hurting my kids by staying. It took me another fourteen years to get up the strength to leave that marriage and get a divorce.

Fourth life :  I feel free for the very first time in my whole life. I don't answer to anyone and I live life my way without compromising. I have time to pursue my passions and dreams. Like writing and drumming and spoiling my fur babies. I changed how I viewed myself in many ways from negative to positive. Example: I didn't go to college, therefore all I am good at is babysitting (Negative) --into-- I have over twenty years experience working with infants and young children therefore I have a career as a professional Childcare Giver/Nanny and provide a needed service for the families I work for that a younger babysitter isn't able to provide. Changing my inner dialogue with myself changed my life. I was able to take steps to move forward and change my life from one where I felt trapped,
into one of freedom and joy. 

I am not sure what my fifth life will be yet but I am in no hurry at the moment. I am finding that right here is my favorite place to be so far. If fate happens to bring me someone special than I will be ready to spot the red-flags and to move into a new relationship from a place of peace and contentment instead of fear of not being able to make it in life on my own therefore needing to be rescued.